Hi! Have I mentioned,I am self-educated astrology enthusiast?! I get mixed reactions about this. Some people just think I’m a creepy weird, some think its voodoo (I laugh at that one!) , others are interested and some just dismiss me. Regardless, its one of my ‘things’, an interest of sorts. Mostly, It stems from growing up and my Dad saying things such as, “your like that because you’re a Libra” or, “I don’t really get along with Aries” HA!! so funny!! Also, my interest lie in the awareness and discovery of self and others. I have this unrelenting drive and force to understand people. I also think it’s a neat idea that God is an organized God , arranging our personalities to be unique individuals and also attracted to different elements within one another….we all are continuously teaching each other and learning from our opposed or similar personalities. Whether or not astrology has sources of truth to it or not there is elements that help me recognize behavior and grow. Thats good enough for me.
As, I do often, I search out astrology books and came upon a book that broke down your sun sign (your outer self the traditional traits, what you express to the world) into weeks that you were born, thus giving you a deeper and more magnetic view into your personality . I think there is certain efficiency to this. As I do, I became intrigued and read every fundamental being’s description that exists in my life. and also, the matching of our personalitys….FASCINATING!! I read my own first it was shockingly entitled “The Perfectionist” I was baffled and a little disappointed!!? ‘ BORING, Boo!!’, My view of myself is anything but ‘PERFECT’…anything!! The truth is I am far too lazy, free-spirited and easy going!!! how could I be the week of “The Perfectionist”??? As I got deeper into the details it started to become clear how “The perfectionist” has manifested itself in my life..It read, “Highly challenged by problems, Libra may find it difficult to give up, fail or even admit that they have been wasting their time.” YES!! GUILTY!in certain areas of my life. It wasn’t about the daily details, it was about the BIGGER picture! I had an Oprah, ‘AH-HA’ moment! I even, think the clouds parted! I have made internal vows to myself the lists of dos and dont’s, cans and cants , wills and wont’s, acceptable and unacceptable, etc. When the rules and regulations I set upon myself become futile within these vows I detach and keep trudging along. WHY? So many reasons….One being, I don’t want to end up like my mom….broken-hearted and alone…Her surrender only empowered my vision of the expectations I have laid upon myself….I will not fail my children….I will take pride in myself……I cant give up……..I will not acknowledge my pain…..I cant be weak…….my walls will protect me…….I will do what is pleasant and normal……I can detach…….I dont want to be a failure…I will survive……..I will be perfect, I will be accepted!!!!
I’m over it! I desire more ,than this idea of what my life is supposed to look like. Its not perfect. It never has been….I know it, you know it, they know it…we all know it! All the rules and regulations SUCK!!! deeeeeep breath….I feel lighter!!!! I SURRENDER! I free myself from the facade that I am anything but a work in progress and someone who wants goodness in life. I have weaknesses and struggles. Some of them may be similar to my mom’s and I’m ok with that I have to be. I realize I have a lot of her goodness too…..and there is sooooo much!
I have uncovered, that all this time my vows, these rules and regulations and my survival skills have only led me down a path that has not been my own ,but the path of others….. their ideals and dreams.I have been wearing a costume..I do not blame them , I know I am guilty, pretending has always been easier than telling the truth. I am left with the realization that my desires are no longer motivated by perfect pursuits, but of an honest hunt. With the desire to be ‘normal’,I deprived myself of the vital discovery of ME!! I am now in the process of creating myself…..with the intentions and motivation of being good and wholesome and true….to not be categorized, to follow my heart. “The lusts of comfort murders the passions of the soul.” -Kahlil Gibran