On the surface, I come across as a happy go lucky type. A part of me is. it seems most never look beyond the surface. It they did, they would see I carry the multitudes. I believe sadness is linked to happiness for people with depth. Tom Waits says, “I like beautiful melodies, telling me terrible things.” Joes music is a mirror to my melancholy and loss, his music is a comfort. I turn his music on and suddenly…. I’m home. In his song, ‘BA Girl’, he sings:
People often tell me that all my songs are sad
that lately I spend all my time alone and feeling bad
But they can rest assured I’ve seen good times too
But good times don’t sound as pure as the things that make you blue
ain’t that the truth, Joe! It was surreal seeing him in concert up front and center in such a intimate setting at the state room in SLC. Brian Wright was his opener. I immediately invested in the entirety of his albums and was told that, Willie Nelson & Kris Kristofferson, called him the next Johnny Cash. Not, bad Mr. Wright. Lucky, for me if that is the case I got his autograph!
The truth is; I am one who searches out beauty, connection and ideas, Im full of flaws and lofty pursuits of a certain perfection or lack thereof…in a picture, a poem, a glance, a moment, an adventure…wanting these ideas and visions to define me and make me whole. I’m usually lost in my thoughts, building my life inside an understanding of my own…I know better…I desire to live in the here and now…I get restless …I get called away…the clouds whisper my name..how does one live outside the mind, where everything is possible? I have chameleon soul. I am with out a rooted nature. Its hard to define me and its evens harder to understand me…..I don’t want it to be about me. I suppose you must first be who you are, then do what you really need to , in order to have what you want.
to to be in strawberry field forever……
The winter is finally over, I feel as though I have been in a deep sleep…..a hibernation of spirit of sorts…. I am awakening to lingering questions and a loss of inspiration…as I unthaw I slowly reawaken. Its interesting how I am affected and dictated by the seasons…..and how nature is my only constant, my only natural relationship. “You can never get enough of nature. To be surrounded by it is to be stilled. It salves the heart. The mountains, the trees, the endless plains, the moon, the myriad of stars. Every man can be made quiet and complete” -Arthur burns
My friends are my therapy.
Relationships evolve ….posing the question “which of us is the crazy one?”……the truth: we both are. Misunderstandings and a touch of madness being the cause of most strife….. if only to be understood…..It is not so much to be loved,as to be understood…I am searching for…..
I am surrounded by cynics…. Every part of my being fights against it, to not be influenced …My authenticity is questioned..how can they not see they are settling….its much harder to be happy and see the wonder and good in everything…..I choose WONDER… to question is to grow.
Mr. Emerson’s wise words linger….
“A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines. With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do. He may as well concern himself with his shadow on the wall.Speak what you think now in hard words, and tomorrow think in hard words again, though it contradict everything you said today.-‘Ah , so you shall be sure to be misunderstood.’-Is it so bad, then, to be misunderstood? Pythagoras was misunderstood and Socrates and Jesus and Luther and Copernicus and Galileo and Newton and every pure and wise spirit that ever took flesh. To be great is to be misunderstood.”
To be great.
Tell The wolves Im home and I’m perpetually restless.
Christmas is a season of memories for me…I have tried my darndest to make it more about experience & adventures for my kids, rather than focusing on the latest gadget or toy. I want for them to taste the crisp air and laugh and play, I mean really play and outside.!!..to feel connected to the clay, dream in the sky, feel fire spark in their beings and feel a sense of wild freedom & wonder! We took the kids to the mountains to snow board on Christmas day. Their gifts were connected to the desire for these earthly adventures… Gage was gifted with his dream of a motorcycle YIKES! and Trin a bow & arrow AKA Katniss, she is so curious! With the New Year all I really want is to keep growing, love the people in my life, continue to fight for goodness , to document the questions and capture the beauty!
“May your coming year be filled with magic and
dreams and good madness. I hope you read
some fine books and kiss someone who thinks
your wonderful, and don’t forget to make some art-
write or draw or build or sing or live
as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in
in the next year, you surprise yourself.”
The snow was magical!! All the littles ….Ok, and the big ones too! Put their gloves and coats on… we all dug up our heavy ones…. the heavy ones that don’t typically get much use in the desert…even in winter. For the first time in my life that, I can remember it snowed for hours..these were heavy,meaningful flakes.. .the aftermath was a blanket of fresh, powdery snow….snow that didn’t melt within the first few hours of falling…It was a winter wonderland….and we were lost in it! In and out of the house…tracking in melted snow …..coats, gloves and beanies drying in front of the fire…hot chocolate….and bon fires in the backyard.
This song wrecks me to pieces
I am grateful for this passing Thanksgiving day. We began a new tradition…. we cut down our own tree! It was an adventure and it was beautiful one…our tree now stands with a sense of pride and of certain humble, nobility in the living room amongst the living. I cant help but think that it looks…well,um…… HAPPY!…and even though its life is now certainly fleeting. I am confidant that it makes the littles, the four-legged creatures and myself very happy inside. …for the story it has created in our memory and for the memories yet to be made.
“I am grateful for what I
am and have. My thanksgiving is
perpetual. It is surprising
how contented one
can be with nothing definite
only a sense of existence.”
*Henry David Thoreau