The birth of feeling….

This Weekend was a siginificant couple of days…Drove six hrs to Bakersfield, watched Dierks Bentley perform, drove three more hours to Santa Barbara, stayed in two hotel rooms in two different cities within two nights, played at the beach, shopped,went to the movie, lost my wallet (I don’t want to talk about it grrrr!) and drove home….weeeeee!! Shockingly, or maybe not so shockingly (due to a tremendous amount of down time driving) I read two books (granted one was  roughly only 110 pages) !! …The other book was,”The History Of  Love” by, Nicole Krauss….I have posted an insert from this book in the past…I hadn’t read the book,but this quote which consisted of, “Once upon a time there was a boy who loved a girl, and her laughter was a question he wanted to spend his whole life answering.” C’mon…hook line and sinker!! My romantic soul had to read a book with such a beautiful sentence…..I had to find out what man, loved a woman in such a way.?????  Needless, to say I was not disappointed.  The book was goodness and I want to share a part of its beautiful writings…

The Birth of feeling:

“Feelings are not as old as time,just as there was a first instant when someone rubbed two sticks together to make a spark, there was a first time joy was felt, and a first time for sadness.  For a while, new feelings were being invented all the time.  Desire was born early, as was regret.  When stubbornness was felt for the first time, it started a chain reaction, creating the feeling of resentment on the one hand, and alienation and loneliness on the other.  It might have been a certain counterclockwise movement  that marked the birth of ecstasy; a bolt of lightning that caused the first feeling of awe.  Or maybe it was the body of a girl named Alma.  Contrary to logic, the feeling of surprise wasn’t born immediately.  It only came after people had enough time to get used to things as they were.  And when enough time had passed, and someone felt the first feeling of surprise, someone, somewhere else, felt the first pang of nostalgia.

It’s also true that sometimes people felt things and, because there was no word for them, they went unmentioned.  The oldest emotion in the world may be that of being moved; but to describe it-just to name it-must have been like trying to catch something invisible. (then again the oldest feeling in the world might simply have been confusion.)

Having begun to feel, peoples desire to feel grew.  They wanted to feel more, feel deeper, despite how much it sometimes hurt.  People became addicted to feeling.  They struggled to uncover new emotions.  It is possible this is how art was born.  New kinds of joy we forged, along with new kinds of sadness:  The eternal disappointment of life as it is; the relief of unexpected reprieve; the fear of dying.

Even now, all possible feelings do not yet exist.  There are still those that lie beyond our capacity and our imagination.  From time to time, when a piece of music no one has ever written,or a painting no one has ever painted, or something else impossible to predict, fathom, or yet describe takes place, a new feeling enters the world.  And then, for the millionth time in the history of feeling, the heart surges, and absorbs the impact.”

some of my favorite sentences:

“If you always drink vinegar, you dont know anything sweeter exists”

“The giant walnut tree you used to like, because you said it had human qualities”

“IwasabeautifulgirlpleasedontgoItoobelievemybodyismadeofglassI’veneverlovedanyoneIthinkofmyselfasfunnyforgiveme”

“sometimes no length of string is long enough to say the thing that needs to be said.  In such cases all the string can do, in whatever its form, is conducts a person’s silence.”

“who goes by the name Bird in honor of his freedom.”

Locked and Reloaded away…….

I saw Mr. Bentley in the flesh!!!! YEEEEEHAAW!!!  I may have been what seemed miles away from him & his sweet strummin’ guitar moves …… nonetheless, I feel that much more complete for having witnessed him perform….Mr. bentley has been one of my faves in country music since 20o6′s “Long Trip Alone”…He performed a lot of my fave songs (unfortunately, because he was sharing the stage with Ms. Lambert there was a pluthera of songs that went unplayed) some of my faves were, “Home”, “Settle for a Slowdown”..”up on the ridge” (the picture on the top right is of him and his musical sidekicks performing it, it was a party I was hootin and hollerin!!!)..and  ”come a little closer” YES, I am sure that song in particular was serenaded specifically for me…..he knew, what I knew…..we were much to far away from each other…..also, I was wearing his favorite style……a white  Tshirt and jeans…duh, he was smitten ;)

I feel the need to note a bit  of conscious discovery…..Everytime, I see a valued musician live, a piece in me changes…..I become, emotionally and physically on fire!! I can only compare it to a burning passion of  elation…stars in my eyes, kinda feeling, Also, this leads me to a confession of sorts……I’m nervous…..here we go…..If I could be anything….Lets say, if a genie gave me three wishes. One of my wishes would most certainly be, .. to be a musical artist, there is nothing that would fulfill me more……Sadly, I have few talents and music is certainly not one, though I will continue to strum my guitar and sing at the top of my lungs in the car, shower, whilst I clean, cook, dwell, garden, run,grocery shop,etc….I will forever carry this love and appreciation with me, for it is the background to thoughts and moments and a place to forget ones problems…alright, I got that off my chest and put it out in the universe be gentle with me. namaste…….I started, “The Picture of Dorian Gray”, the preface is the this snippet, Oscar Wilde says, “The artist is the creator of beautiful things…….the artist can express everything.  Thought and language are to the artist materials for an art.  From the point of view of form, the type of all the arts is the art of the musician.” (Heavy SIGH) The art of the musician is the melding of words, emotion, artist and presenter……MUSIC to my ears!

some people feel the rain….

In the desert rain is welcome and yearned for, especially during the summer months when the climate feels a lot like a preheated oven, to inhale is to breathe in a pit of incandescence….Today was a day of bipolar weather in the desert.  With it being May, the weather  isn’t quite committed to the heat, but not willing to part with the cold with some days scorching in the high 90′s and others teetering on goose bump worthy chills. This morning, I parted from my home with a view of  a blanket of pregnant clouds weighing down above me, wet sprinkles promising a birth of nourishment for the thirsty ground.  I rode to work in my topless jeep, wearing my snowboarding coat and beanie over my summer dress, not afraid of feeling the rain, maybe a little fearful of what the wet would do to the inside of the jeep more than anything. In the back of my mind I welcomed the wet exhilaration against my face and the bite of the chilly morning….You see, I am always looking for magical moments that awaken me…shift me in to presence and restore my velleity…..I wished to “cook up a storm” (pun intended).  I made it to work at 9:45 am only mildly wet and awakened.  I was trepedatious of what might happen to my jeep neglected and left to the will of the sky.  My day carried on without much thought weighed on the weather or my possible wet vehicle…..que sera sera, my mantra, whatever will be will be, always the final thought on most worries I have no control over. Finally, at four my day of the grind was over, I said my goodbyes to my ten-to-four. I made my way outside….It was bright and rather warm.  My seats were dry, I made my way home, but first stopped at the bank.  I made my transaction and took a right and started my way, THEN SUDDENLY OUT OF NOWHERE the sky delivered a tsunami of heavy dew that literally took my breathe away with its intensity of down pour that set free …..I was blind and soaked within 10 seconds….to save my life I frantically reversed and made way to shelter without thought I beelined to the only cover, beneath the only empty lane of the busy bank.  Soaked and in shock I ran into the bank,where I was examined in a state of bewilderment, by beholders at my dripping frame…It was kind of funny to watch them gawk…I heard someone say, “do we have a towel?” and disappeared behind a door.  I started to feel self conscious wondering if my dress might be see through in its wet state???  I made my way awkwardly to the woman’s room…..where I examined my excited, disheveled self…mascara smeared, hair a matted mess, dress sticking to skin and skin glowing damp..relief, dress not see through..I smiled then giggled and then laughed wanting to share my awakening moment…I called a friend, she laughed with me, but it wasn’t the same she was looking out the window, watching what I had just felt on my face, my skin, my spirit……..I pulled myself together, wiped the black from underneath my eyes, finger combed my messy hair and with dignity and a smile made my way back to the lobby of the bank…I didn’t have a plan of what I was going to do once I made eye contact with my spectators, so I did what I do best, I winged it!! When I made my turn left a smiley young man handed me a bright red, “DIXIE STATE” LG tshirt (my hometowns college), I laughed and thanked him and made my way to the womans restroom, where I changed out of my  soaked white, lace sundress, luckily I was wearing black leggings and managed without much  inapppropriateness…I went back out and sat quietly on a chair and waited out the storm…the storm passed quickly as bipolar behavior dictates…It was still dripping and I wanted to feel alive once more without the fear of crashing to death, I made my way outside, not before  I said thank you to my spectators and asked, if I could keep my red, large, t-shirt.  They said, “of course” and, “you will need a memory of your experience”, I smiled, grateful. I love memories, especially memories of LIFE happening in unexpected moments…crashing people into each other,breaking the monotony of the rules and regulations, forcing comfortless transactions….AWAKENING ones existence….”some people feel the rain, others just get wet”.

HAPPINESS

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“Whoever said you can’t buy happiness forgot little puppies” Gene Hill

“Affection is responsible for nine tenths of whatever happiness there is in our lives” C.S. Lewis……I prefer the innocent affection of animals and my kids. Its true,kids and animals are my best friends, other than my best friends who are like children and play like animals….or is it vice versa??! ;)

Watch “Johnny Cash – One (U2 Cover – With Lyrics)” on YouTube

Yes! this is one of my favorite songs. Amazing and talented artist must love it too….. I continue to find amazing covers of it by amazing artists.  I love this song tremendously and I love Mr. Cash…I may have gotten emotional when I heard his rendition of this great song, sang by a great! When I get it excited about something, I get excited!! I hope your excited!! weeeeeee!!!

The words are purposes the words are maps………

http://www-users.cs.umn.edu/~anusha/iwrite.html

Why I Write…….

“I write to make peace with things I cannot control.

I write to create fabric in a world that often appears black and white.

I write to discover.  I write to uncover. i write to meet my ghosts.

I write to begin a dialogue.  I write to imagine things differently and in imagining things differently

perhaps the world will change.

I write to honor beauty. I write to correspond with my friends. I write as a daily act of improvisation.

I write because it creates my composure.  I write against power and for democracy.

I write myself out of my nightmares and into my dreams.

I write in solitude born out of community.

I write to the questions that shatter my sleep.  I write to the questions that make me complacent.

I write to remember.  I write to forget.  I write to the music that opens my heart.

I write to quell pain.  I write with the patience in of melancholy in winter.

I write because it allows me to confront that which I do not know.

I write as an act of faith.  I write as an act of slowness.

I write to record what I love in the face of loss.  I write because it makes me less fearful of death.

I write as an exercise in pure joy.  I write as one who walks on the surface of a frozen river beginning to melt.

I write out of my anger and into my passion.  I write from the stillness of night anticipating….always anticipating.

I write to listen. I write out of silence. I write to soothe the voices shouting inside me,

outside of me, all around me.  I write because I believe in words.

I write because it is a dance with paradox.

I write because you can play on the page like a child left alone in the sand.

I write because it is the way I take long walks.

I write because I believe it can create a path in darkness.  I write with a knife, carving each word from the generosity of trees.

I write as a ritual.  I write out of my inconsistencies. i write with the colors of memory.

I write as a witness to what I have seen. I write as witness to what I imagine.

I write by grace and grit.  I write for the love of ideas. I write for the surprise of a sentence.

I write with the belief of alchemists. I write knowing I will always fail.

I write knowing words will always fall short.  I write knowing I can be killed by my own words,

stabbed by syntax, crucified by understanding and misunderstanding.

I write past the embarassment of exposure.  I trust nothing especially myself and slide head first

into the familiar abyss of doubt and humiliation and threaten to push the delete button on my way down,

or madly erase each line, pick up the paper and rip it to shreds– and then realize it doesn’t matter,

words are always a gamble, words are splinters from cut glass.

I write because its dangerous, a bloody risk, LIKE LOVE, To form the WORDS, to say the WORDS,

to touch the source, to be TOUCHED, to reveal how VULNERABLE we are, how transient.

I write as though I am whispering in the ear of the ONE I LOVE.”

Terry Tempest Williams

This woman is the essence of the woman I strive to become….Her words perfect and complete the words I cannot find.

“The words are purposes the words are maps.” Adrienne Rich

“I’m going to make everything around me beautiful-that will be my life”

It has taken me roughly 33 years  of wanderings, internal survival, getting married,making & breaking commitments,raising children,mistakes and awakenings…more wandering and survival  …to find out who I am and who I am not. I am an artist but not a distinctly good one….through creativity my life has unfolded. I am rooting in my essence. I am seeing the bridge to the origin of life, through this I am strengthened. The awareness of  what I am searching for is not out there; It lies within me…within my roots I can find fearlessness and strength. I am building a patchwork out of brokenness.*

“It is really through the depth of living, the chaos, the brokenness that I find peace. Joy is rooted in the depth of our suffering. It is out of my own brokenness, and the brokenness of other in the darkest places, that I find that sense of joy.  This is my special gift-to build sacred space out of the chaos in forgotten places.  I feel it. The need to create beauty….The vehicle for joy is beauty.  Beauty is a right-an angelic quality that heals…..We want to create. We long to create.  We can transform a very bleak situation into a place of joy and color ….When your environment is beautiful it gives you dignity.  You feel more dignified and your sense of self esteem grows….planting seeds of beauty helps the tree of community with all its branches to grow….When we are in the heart of our work we are in the heart of our power.  One informs and inspires the other” -FBIABW

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I am a woman and a survivor….A survivor of my own internal injuries and past pains….I am pieces of quotes from my favorite books and the song lyrics that spill out my heart….I am the parts of my most intimate and unguarded conversations…..I am the golden light shining on the leaves and crevices of nature as the sun is setting..I am the spirit in the wild desert….I am the love in my childrens eyes…I am the feelings of everything all at once and then the nothingness of it all…I am a builder of thoughts..and..I am my words that bleed my thoughts…..I am on a crusade to find faith and a life of integrity….I am a seeker of beautiful truths……I am the awakening flower in bloom..

*inspired by “Finding Beauty In A Broken World”

The Peace of Wild Things

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“Wildness reminds us what it means to be human, what we are connected to rather than what we are separate from……To protect what is wild is to protect what is gentle.  Perhaps the wildness we fear is the pause within our own heartbeats, the silence space that says , we live only by grace…..wildness lives by this same grace.” -Terry Tempest Williams

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